Permission: “My Friend, Anxiety”
Anxiety is a hot topic right now with COVID. On top of the trauma of knowing a global pandemic is happening, we are flooded with fears, news, and uncertainty. As we practice social distancing, our daily rhythms and quick go-to habits to bring relief are either challenging or impossible. Everyone is looking to find relief from anxiety. For those with chronic anxiety, this season is particularly triggering. Although my future post “Practice” will be particularly helpful for anyone looking for simple tools to find peace amidst quarantine, this post will focus more on the foundational practice of “Permission”.
Anxiety (and particularly Chronic Anxiety) can manifest long term in physical pains, menstrual cycle irregularities, tightened chest, shortened breathing, back pain, headaches, fatigue, interrupted sleep or insomnia, burnout, loss of interest, isolation, among other symptoms. If you have experienced anxiety before, you know how interconnected our bodies, spirits, and emotions are. Our bodies are brilliant, and intrinsically know how to communicate what’s going on internally, when we need it most. If something has become too overwhelming to bear and there are not any accessible coping mechanisms, our emotions or bodies also can begin to shut down as a way to protect itself. This can look like social isolation, loss of interest, loss of appetite, and low energy.
I can recall a season of life where I was working nearly 80 hours a week to pay the bills. I felt tired, my brain felt foggy most days, I was forgetting things constantly, and my menstrual cycle was extending between 2-5 weeks long. However, the symptom that got me to a counselor was consistently waking up in a night sweat, with racing thoughts. When I would wake up this way, I found no relief when I would try to stop thinking or reasoning with why I shouldn’t feel the way I did? (Looking back, I can clearly see why I experienced so much anxiety, but when we are “in it” and quick to judge our ourselves, it’s easy to dismiss our feelings with “shouldn’ts”). Lying in bed, I would either try to reason or work through the problem, assuming that would help resolve my anxiety and help me fall back to sleep. Or I would get frustrated and think “Why am I awake?!” Sometimes I would judge myself with thoughts like “This is so dumb” or “I don’t know why I’m getting woke up by this?” My Anxiety was my enemy and I wanted to tell her the hell off.
I felt so angry with this problem that I couldn’t control, until my counselor asked me “If Anxiety were a friend, what would she, he or they be saying?” I realized that if my anxiety was a person, and therefore had a voice to express emotions, I would lean in, listen, and care. In that season of life, I felt all kinds of emotions. My Anxiety was saying “I’m worried we can’t pay the bills”, “I’m doing too much”, “I feel really overwhelmed”, “I’m scared that I’m not enough to do my job well”.
After I began to hear Anxiety’s voice under the late night wake up calls, I began to reconcile these symptoms and feel compassion for a part of myself that felt so stressed and scared. My posture changed with this self-compassion. Instead of frustration and judgement, I began to place my hand over my heart and say something like “I’m so overwhelmed”. Sometimes I would straight up ask myself (as I would in a conversation with a friend) “What are you feeling?” This allowed me to create a different posture towards myself- one of curiosity. Even when I didn’t feel like it, it would be important for me to continue that posure of curiosity by getting up and journaling. Sometimes all I needed was to write a couple sentences; other times, I wrote a whole page. Because our bodies are connected to our emotions, I would wrap up this time with a yoga pose to reset my system, called Viparita Karani, also known as Legs Up the Wall” (for instruction: https://www.yogajournal.com/practice/legs-up-the-wall-pose). The practice gives blood circulation a gentle boost toward the upper body, which creates a pleasant rebalancing that often feels relaxing.
When I chose to be curious instead of judgmental, I had the opportunity to listen to my body (full of headaches, tight shoulder muscles, tight chest, and night sweats). When I chose to listen to my body, I was able to hear the emotion behind all the anxiety. Once I heard the emotion, I had the opportunity to practice self-compassion, which felt like a friend sitting across from me saying “I hear you….This is SO hard”.
I don’t think anyone innately likes the idea of calling one’s anxiety a friend, but when we choose to offer curiosity and compassion as we would a loved friend, we begin a different relationship with anxiety- on that heals. It’s tough to find nourishment in a friendship where we are constantly hearing “I wish you didn’t feel that way” or “I wish you would just go away”. In fact, it would be a toxic friendship. Anxiety also has a purpose of communicating to us an unacknowledged emotion or an unmet need. So next time you feel anxious (maybe even right now), choose to practice listening, curiosity, and compassion, as you would to a friend.
Although other people play an important role in our healing journeys, we also have an important role in our own self-healing. Especially in this isolated time of Quarantine, it’s invaluable to feel a sense of control and empowerment when Anxiety rears it’s head. In the same way with a friend, we can’t always change their painful circumstances, but we can offer a listening ear, presence, and compassion. As Dr. Kristin Neff, a Self Compassion Therapist says, self-compassion “gives us the support and comfort needed to bear the pain and provide the optimal conditions for growth and transformation”.
So, I dare you - to do what feels foreign, awkward, and possibly counterintuitive, this week. Instead of dismissing or distracting yourself when you feel anxious, lean in with curiosity to Anxiety, as you would a friend. Give yourself the unconditionally safe space to feel whatever it is, and use that information to courageously nourish that need. I trust you will build a foundation for healing as you listen beneath the surface of Anxiety.
This week, practice Permission by staying curious to your emotions and exercising self compassion. I encourage you to practice self-compassion, in some way through one or more of these actions:
Next time you feel anxious (or even now), ask yourself “If my anxiety had a voice, what would it be saying to me right now?” Quiet your judgemental voice, at least for this moment.
When you are able to identify an emotion you’re feeling, place your hand over your heart and express your emotion (I feel ___) or even a response to that feeling (ie. This is hard)
Take a 1-2 minutes to journal what your feeling- it could be a drawing or with words.
Because Anxiety also has a purpose of communicating to us an unacknowledged emotion or unmet need, ask yourself “What do I need right now?” And find a way to nourish that need through actions like reaching out to a friend, saying “no” to something/someone that feels overwhelming, going for a walk, or even just placing your hand over your heart and telling yourself what you need (ie “I’m safe”)
Some Resources:
Instagram accounts to follow:
@Nedratawwab
@FindYourSunhsineTherapy
@The.Holistic.Psychologist
@AlyssaMarieWellness
@azpsychotherapist
@TheAnxietyHealer
Self Compassion Meditation: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KAuBXTTaXVU
